And so it begins.

Today is Friday, and it’s a rainy, dreary day. It fits my mood perfectly. Wednesday, I received a call from Levis therapist. He was raging and had needed to be restrained several times, she asked if I could come pick him up. I was at work, so it took a bit of time to get things situated so I could leave. When I parked, I could hear Levi screaming. I closed my eyes and offered up a quick prayer. See, I knew the day would end with him being admitted back into acute care. I went into the building, and Levi was in the quiet room, being restrained, and raging. He is quite inventive with his words. Within just a few minutes of my arrival, things were being put into motion, trying to find him a bed.

I simply do not have the words to explain what it feels like to give the go ahead to have your child sent to a mental hospital. Heart wrenching pain, it invades every fiber of your soul. Yet, there is also a sense of relief that sneaks in there as well. Which makes you feel guilty. I love him, I fear him, I worry for him. He’s only 7, and he wants to die. The only place he feels safe is the hospital.

As soon as he knew we were making arrangements to get him back into the hospital, he calmed down. He was relieved, dare I say happy? I took him home and he helped me pack his things. We picked up Grandma and made the drive. He was calm the entire trip, it takes about an hour. He didn’t start acting up until we got there and had to wait for all the paperwork to be done.

I talked to him twice yesterday. His voice, I never hear this voice when he’s home. Happy, almost carefree. It’s heartbreaking.

Mom and I talked during the trip back home. I posed this question, ” What if my son is only able to function in a residential program?” Horrifying to consider, this is my baby. The child that doesn’t want me out of his sight.

The locked doors of the hospital comfort him. The structured routine. Knowing what will happen at any given moment of the day. I simply can’t provide that. I try to do the structure as best I can. Not easy with two other kiddos at home.

I’m scared. He will go from this acute stay to the residential program. Which is at least 4 months. After that, I have no idea what we will do. His day program will no longer exist. I have yet to find another program that is even close to having what he needs.