Change.

I’ve been quiet for a while on here. Not because things have been great, because they haven’t, I’m not sure they ever really will be.

Mostly I’m quiet because I’m so disheartened. Levi is a great kid, I love him with everything in me. But, Levi is not easy, ever. And I’m not perfect, ever. I get mad and say mean things, or yell, or try to ignore him. It doesn’t help.

We have been rocking on the best we can. He has been in the upswing of a manic cycle for several weeks. Lots of aggression and anger. He is so scared, of everything right now. He woke up the other night & I was in the bathroom, it was the middle of the night. He went and woke Shiloh up, because he was convinced I had been murdered. Can you imagine having to live with thoughts like that everyday? I can’t. My heart breaks for him, for all of us.

Trying to read Levi, and see his patterns is like beating your head against a brick wall. I seldom know what sets him off. One minute he’s sitting there drawing, calm as can be. The next thing you know he is raging like a wild man. I’m left sitting there wondering wtf just happened.

He’s only 7, and he’s really not that big. But, it’s all Mom and I can do to handle him when he gets like this. Superhuman strength is what mom says. It’s true. I don’t even want to try and imagine how we will manage when he gets older, and bigger.

Alright, here’s the change part. I had our  weekly meeting with his therapist yesterday. She told me the Day Treatment program is closing at the end of the school year. The upshot is, they don’t get enough funding because the idiots in charge refuse to advertise in this area. I’ve lived here since 1992 and didn’t know they existed until July of last year.

I’m terrified. Levi is nowhere near ready to go back into a regular school system. And we have no other programs like this in the area. I asked Lisa what she recommended. Her answer scared me even more. It’s not that she hadn’t put a lot of thought into the answer. Apparently she had spent a good portion of the prior weekend thinking about Levi. She loves him too.

Residential Care. A program that lasts between six and eighteen months. The closest place is a hour and a half away from me.

I want to scream, and gnash my teeth, and pull my hair, maybe throw myself on the floor and kick my feet. The fear is overwhelming. That long without my child. Placing him in the care of strangers, not able to see him, or talk to him every single day. I’m not sure I can do it.

But, I know I have to. For him. If he is to ever have a chance at a real life, I have to do this. Probably more than once.

His therapist and I have talked about this several times. She has always been very honest with me about what to expect. I admire that.

We have about a month to prepare. It’s not enough. How do I do this? How do you make the decision to commit to something that lasts this long?

Yes, we’ve already been through two hospital stays. The first one was five days, the second was ten days. They felt like a lifetime. And yet, they weren’t enough.

Being the parent is so damn hard. I don’t think I’m grown up enough for this.